You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
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I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
boat question
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?