condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
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Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week