[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
You Might Also Like
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
and now we wait
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Well, that should do it
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec