Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
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me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
spot the difference
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.