Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
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[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.