We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
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Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.