*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
You Might Also Like
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*