Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
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I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.