The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
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I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”