Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
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Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Banana is the quietest snack
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.