If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
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Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Good morning, Twitter 😊
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.