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*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Well, shit
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed