I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
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Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.