Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
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Eggs benadryl my favourite
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now