son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
You Might Also Like
*pronounces fake like saké*
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.