Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
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[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
True
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
just having fun
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad