It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
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I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
I am all good here, 😂😉
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg