@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
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It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
*pronounces fake like saké*