Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
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The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
*checks Timeline*…
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.