Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
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INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more