*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
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Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
What the hell happened here.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open