Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
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Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.