mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
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my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
me doing my best
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds