If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
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[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Get in loser we’re going crying
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*