If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
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Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*