Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
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Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
ugh not again
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!