I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
You Might Also Like
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
I鈥檇 walk over cotton balls for you
The worst fight I鈥檝e ever been in is with Clingwrap.
It鈥檚 my Roomba鈥檚 birthday so I鈥檓 bringing him to the beach and I鈥檓 just gonna let him go crazy
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it鈥檚 annoying but you鈥檙e settled and too lazy to find another seat.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
the Monday after daylight savings
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I asked my brothers why they鈥檙e getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum馃槕
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they鈥檙e a vampire or just a regular dude
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
HR: Do you know why you鈥檙e here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Every house has this drawer
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.