Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
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Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.