Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
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Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
guys I’m going home
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.