“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
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Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.