When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
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*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.