Vodka burrito was a success
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Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri