“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
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It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?