My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
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*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
me when the borders lift
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.