When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
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can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
*orders delivery*
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?