I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
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All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”