Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
You Might Also Like
My work here is done
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight