I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
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asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
good work, everybody
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent: