A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
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[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
choose your fighter
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.