Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
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Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Imma just leave this here…………
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up