My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
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College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.