My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
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I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
rise and shine we got egg
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.