[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
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Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
the three genders
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.