read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
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Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Do not levitate over flowers
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.