I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
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My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Wikigenius
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens: