*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
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The two types of wives
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking