Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
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reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool