Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
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*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
wish me luck lads
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
set yourself free xox
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.