Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
You Might Also Like
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
These aliens are taking forever.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…