ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
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You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
How I’d get arrested…
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.